


Always

by REINDOWN



Series: A Future of Outstretched Arms [13]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreaking, Heartwarming, Illnesses, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship(s), Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-18 01:01:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9357086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/REINDOWN/pseuds/REINDOWN
Summary: Gintoki has a cough but Hijikata doesn't see it so simply.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a collection of one shots, drabbles etc. of Gintama. If you enjoy this, then please take a look at the rest of the series~

It was date night. Gintoki was bubbling inside with tiny sparkles of excitement. Kagura kept glaring at him as he hopped from room to room impatiently. He was trying to find things to do to fill the time between now and Hijikata finishing work – and failing. Sitting and reading JUMP was out of the question because his feet wouldn't stay still. Really, he could do with some bits and bobs from the corner shop but he was not about to leave the apartment. Cooking up something or other sounded really tempting, especially since his stomach was gurgling away at him. But no, he had planned his meals today so that he would be ready for eating at exactly the right time. He wasn't about to throw all that away and be forcing food down later.

He stopped his flapping and coughed into the back of his hand, trying to get rid of the irritated itch in the back of his throat. It wouldn't shift so he grabbed a glass and filled it with water, downing the contents to help ease his soreness. It helped a little, but there was no getting rid of this cold. He had been wheezing and spluttering for two days. Shinpachi had told him to reorganise his date but there was no way that was happening. His partner had been so busy over the last week … he hadn't seen him once. And that wasn't out of the unusual, but Gintoki himself had been away the week before so that made it two weeks without so much as a conversation. They had passed over date details on the phone which had lasted all of two minutes forty five seconds until Hijikata had to rush off. There was just no stopping that guy when he had something on his mind, namely work.

Gintoki coughed again and this time he wheezed. It took him a minute or so to recover his breath, but then he was back to the pacing once more.

"I'm glad that the mayo-idiot is staying here tonight instead of me, then _he_ can catch your illness instead," Kagura curled her lip. "I don't want to get your permy-stuff."  
"It's not the perm's fault," Gintoki complained, scuttling to grab a tissue because he had just hawked up something disgusting. "Anyway, what time are you leaving?"  
"There's a drama I want to watch before I head off. Mao Mao-chan found out that her half brother is actually the friend of her friend's ex-boyfriend who set fire to her house."  
"Damn, I wanted to watch that one."  
"I'll record it for you. Anyway, isn't it about time you set off?" She began to pick her nose on the couch, flicking the produce off somewhere.  
"Not for another ten minutes."  
"Don't forget that you haven't set that clock properly yet."  
"Ah. Aaaah~!"

He _had_ forgotten. He was late.

There was nothing to do but run to their meeting place and hope that the grumpy policeman hadn't left before he got there. He was only about fifteen minutes off, but Hijikata wasn't known for his patience. Luckily, his fast feet brought him to the last corner just in time and he glanced up to see his partner still waiting there, foot tapping, smoke clouds billowing in quick successions. He swerved a woman with a pram and tripped, biting his tongue, cursing the last few meters under his breath. Once he finally reached his destination, he tried to beam up at Hijikata but he was far too exhausted. He coughed up what felt like the entirety of his lungs onto the back of his hand, reaching for a tissue he had stuffed away somewhere.

"P-phew," he panted hoarsely, feeling something else dislodge itself in his throat and setting into another bout of coughing. "Made it." As he finished wheezing up his lungs into a piece of crumpled tissue, he found the silence he received … odd, to say the least. Where was the curse? The insult? The quick comment? He looked up and the scowl he expected to see wasn't there.

"I-is that," Hijikata stuttered, face white, "blood?" Gintoki raised one eyebrow sky-high and wanted to begin yelling. The look on Hijikata's face silenced him; this was definitely not the time. He was too confused to react. He followed his partner's eyes and saw the smudge of blood on the tissue in his hand.

"Ah, this?" He stuck out his tongue at the ghost-faced man. "Ah bit mah tohngue." It took several seconds for the expression on Hijikata's face to lessen, but it was no less scary when it did. It left many unanswered questions between them. Gintoki, for once, couldn't read him. "Let's go?" He gestured, relieved when Hijikata nodded and began to walk towards the restaurant they were heading for.

Gintoki wasn't sure how to approach this situation. The silence between them was unusual and so he had no idea how to handle it. The best explanation he could give was that he must have had a bad day. Maybe he was suffering from a bit of PTSD, given his reaction to blood. The only thing Gintoki could think to do was ignore it, carry on. If he could get Hijikata to smile by the end of the night, there needn't be more said on the matter. They both had their secrets.

They found a table near the door but sufficiently hidden away, sheltered on both sides by wooden panels. It was something neither of them thought about but habitually, they'd sit somewhere like this. Somewhere they could see the door, where their exits were clear but they remained out of sight as much as possible. Instincts were hard to re-train and even though the both of them lived relatively safe, normal lives nowadays, scars would always remain. They would always keep the weight of a weapon on their left hip – it was a net they couldn't bring themselves to remove.

Hijikata slid into his seat and immediately hid his face in the menu, classic Hijikata-avoiding-eye-contact behaviour. Gintoki chose to ignore it and felt the bubble of excitement in his stomach pop. It was going to be one of those days, it seemed. When the mood was like this, he'd much rather stay at home with the kids because the terrible crushing sadness he felt on nights like tonight … it was like Hijikata felt he _had_ to go out, rather than he wanted to, and when Gintoki spent so much time chattering away, talking nonsense to fill the gaps and trying his best to make him laugh … All this wasted energy when he got so little response drained him, sapped away at his positivity. Was Hijikata even happy to see him? He hadn't even said hello yet.

Gintoki felt his throat scratch and he burst into another fit of coughing that left him gasping a little for air. Suddenly, Hijikata was on his feet like he had been fired upwards. He stood more rigid than the table legs and that expression was back. It seemed that Gintoki had misjudged the situation – this had to be discussed. He should have said something earlier.

"What's going on?" He asked, voice sharp.  
"You … you're okay?" Hijikata stumbled through his words, unsure of himself.  
"Hm?" Gintoki found himself also on his feet. The atmosphere was too tense for him to feel comfortable seated. Something was wrong. "What do you mean?"  
"You're - You seem to be … coughing a lot."  
"It's a cold." Hijikata fidgeted. Gintoki eased himself back into his seat, hoping that Hijikata would follow. With a pause, he did, but he remained bolt upright in his chair.  
"Did you get it, you know, checked?"  
"It's not an STD you fool," Gintoki snorted. "No, it'll pass."  
"But the blood -"  
"I told you, I bit my tongue."  
"But still!" Hijikata averted his eyes and fidgeted. "Go tomorrow to a doctor and get him to look at you."  
"No?" Gintoki didn't _do_ doctors. They were paid to diagnose you with shit, of course he didn't like them. And he could look after himself. No, no doctors. This seemed to anger Hijikata, who clenched his fists.  
"Don't act tough, Gintoki."  
"I'm fine, I don't need to go," Gintoki pressed, getting a little frustrated himself. Even though the situation was far from apt, he couldn't help the coughing fit that ensued which only got worse as he tried to hold back.  
Hijikata shot to his feet again and Gintoki was beginning to think he was a jack-in-a-box. "For god's sake," and his voice actually _cracked_ , "the doctor. Now."

His tone was frightened and that was infectious. And _oh_ , how stupid he had been. The pieces slotted together one by one; the truth dawned on Gintoki with painful clarity. _Mitsuba._

"Please, Gintoki." Hijikata whispered. They both got it now. Gintoki nodded and rose to leave with Hijikata close behind. At this time there was only one doctor Hijikata knew would be willing to see them, so he led a solemn Gintoki back in the direction of his barracks. Two minutes, he kept saying, that was all it would take, and Gintoki was happy to oblige now he could see the ghost haunting his partner. It was a scar of equal severity to PTSD and though they both knew he was fine … Hijikata was in desperate need of reassurance.

He couldn't lose the person he loved again.

One of the conditions of their relationship was Gintoki's lack of fragility. He knew that Hijikata could not let himself fall for someone vulnerable again, he simply wouldn't survive it. The day to day stress, the anxiety of living with a house of cards … There were many reasons that Gintoki was allowed to get close to Hijikata but that was one of the most key. Hijikata had convinced himself that he could not protect those his cherished most – after all, what good had passion and strength done for Mitsuba? To go through that again would be a calamity, so to have someone who didn't need a strong back to lean on was his lifeline. To have someone supporting his back, not relying on it … there were no words for how much that meant to him.

They didn't share a word betwixt, nor did Hijikata look up from the floor. Even when Gintoki became hoarse again, he glued his eyes to his feet and hastened his stride. Gintoki was forced to speed up to remain in step with him. He wanted to reassure Hijikata, but it was blatantly transparent that his words meant _nothing_ right now. Mitsuba had always said she was fine, and look where she was now.

But it hurt.

It fucking hurt that Hijikata was looking at Gintoki and seeing someone else, no matter how much he reasoned with it. The thought burned away at his mind; he couldn't shift it. He clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to dislodge the thought from his head but it just kept circling back to hit him again. Hijikata checked over his shoulder, then whipped his head back round when he made eye contact. Gintoki winced. They weren't far from the shinsengumi barracks and he just prayed that time would speed by. He couldn't wait for this night to end, for this cold to clear. The longer this went on, the more bitter thoughts he would have about Mitsuba and he just couldn't stand himself thinking like that. She deserved better. However, Gintoki was _not_ Mitsuba. He was _not_ her replacement. And as confident as he had been in this statement before, now he was doubting himself.

Gintoki was shown to Hijikata's room (as if he didn't know) and instructed to wait. Just before the door, Hijikata turned back again and said nothing, but his eyes spoke for him – _I need you to stay here._ And, of course, Gintoki would. He settled down beside the sliding door overlooking the outside grounds, watching the clouds circle the moon as night began to push dusk aside. He stifled another cough because the cold air creeping in choked him, but this just seemed to make it worse. Really, it was such a foul illness he had. It was nothing more than a cold, though. He imagined that Hijikata simply could not erase the memories of Mitsuba. The mornings she would cough blood, the wheezing to the point of fainting … he could understand Hijikata. That was why he was here. Still, he was frustrated.

This was meant to be a good night.

Hijikata returned alone and announced the doctor was on his way. Gintoki didn't even try for a smart comment. He looked to the sky once more and covered up a shiver. Of course, it didn't go unnoticed by hawk-eye and a blanket was wrapped around him faster than he could even utter Ketsuno Ana.

"You'll stay here tonight," Hijikata said, softly, but Gintoki exploded. He had reached his limit.  
"That's too far!" He snapped. "There's fuck all wrong with me."  
"It's for your own-"  
"I'm not Mitsuba, alright? You don't need to mother me." The words stung his mouth but he still felt better about getting his feelings out in the open. He hated when they danced around a subject, pretending the tension between them was invisible. It was draining. Hijikata's lips formed a firm line.  
"I'd just feel better if ..."  
"You're overreacting and you know it." Gintoki spat. He could feel another coughing fit coming but he'd be damned if he let it. "Don't compare me to her."  
"She just began to det- deteriorate and-"  
"Don't," Gintoki shouted again, pounding the floor with his fist, "compare me." Hijikata glanced up and, for the first time that night, truly looked into Gintoki's eyes. His expression cracked. Guilt sagged his shoulders. Gintoki had to snap his head away and steel himself.

The doctor entered, sliding the door shut behind him. He jovially asked the problem, addressing the vice-commander, who briefly explained and pointed over towards his partner. Gintoki submitted to investigation, breathing into various tubes, having his heart listened to, his chest, coughing on request etc. The doctor scribbled onto a sheet of paper and stamped the bottom.  
"So?" Hijikata finally spoke.  
"I have prescribed some antibiotics but it should clear up within the week." Hijikata's chest visibly sank as he sighed quietly.  
"It's nothing serious? Nothing like ..."  
"No, just an infection. If it's still bothering you after that or if it gets considerably worse, contact me again."  
"Thanks doc," Gintoki took the piece of paper and glanced at it. "You can keep the meds though."  
"Gintoki!" Hijikata growled, staring him down aggressively.  
"He said it's nothing!"  
"For god's sake-" Hijikata ran a hand through his hair and tugged viciously. The doctor bowed and took his leave so the two of them were left staring daggers at each other.  
With an exaggerated sigh, Gintoki laid onto his back and threw his arms dramatically into the air.

"What a shit night this turned into. I was looking forward to this." Hijikata came to join him at the open doorway and lit up a cigarette.  
"Take the damn meds." He hissed.  
"I've compromised once. This time, you should."  
"We ain't compromising on your health."  
"If you can tell me to take a bunch of meds I don't need, why can't I tell you to stop smoking?" Hijikata's hand hovered in front of his mouth. "It's the same thing. I don't want to have to visit your gravestone, Hijikata." With a sigh, he drew one last breath of nicotine and stubbed out the fag.  
"Compromise." He muttered. "And … I don't compare you to her."  
"You don't?" Gintoki snorted.  
"... Maybe a little," he admitted with a sigh. "But you're you, and I love you in a whole other way to Mitsuba."  
"For one, the sex is gr-"  
"I will hit you, ill or not." Hijikata warned, whacking Gintoki in the side with one foot.  
"You just did!" Gintoki complained.  
"Listen to me for once, you great oaf." Whilst Hijikata lowered himself to sit down, Gintoki righted himself and shuffled to get comfy. "When I tell you to see the doctor or to take medicine, or to sit down like I did that time when you were … were- mmph."  
"Stabbed." Gintoki supplied. Hijikata nodded curtly and battled to continue.  
"Like then. Just do it, please." For added effect, he tilted his head to Gintoki and made sure he was looking. "I get … anxious. When you were bleeding out and you kept going, when you're coughing blood and you won't see a doctor-"  
"I told you, I bit my tongue-"  
"Just do it. Because, Gintoki," Hijikata leaned forwards to touch his temple against Gintoki's. "I need you here. Always." Gintoki chuckled.  
"And I've said it before, haven't I?" He said, bumping heads with Hijikata. "I'm here. _Always._ "

**Author's Note:**

> Couldn't help the archaic word thrown in there. Just slipped out.
> 
> The end of this series! If you enjoyed, please let me know your favourite chapter. Feedback is much appreciated. For now, whilst I sort out my next series, I'll be concentrating on TIYB and Spell. Thank yoooou~


End file.
